By Noah Pond
Recently, I went down to the Bay Area and every bathroom in San Francisco might as well be fully automated. You don’t get to decide how much soap you get, you can only get two measly pieces of paper towel — hell, you don’t even get to flush the damn toilet yourself these days. I think automated shit sucks.
I think this is a huge issue in our culture today — LeT’s AuToMaTe eVeRyThInG. Let’s just have little sensor robots do all of our most simple tasks. I’m all for a flying car future and all that b.s., but come on — a little robot that vacuums your house for you? Like, we are one mistake away from a Black Mirror episode where your Roomba is so sick of picking up after you that it just slimes you out.
I guess the reason all the devices in the bathroom are automated is to make it so people are less wasteful, but at what cost? Wet hands when you leave the bathroom? God forbid I walk past the homie and have to give them a soggy dap-up. Half dirty hands from the slightest little dollop of soap? Even worse. Toilet water that splashes your asshole because the censor thought you were done? This ain’t France, and I don’t need doodoo water spraying me where the sun don’t shine.
Those automatic faucets are pretty buns too; how many times have you stood at a bathroom sink lathering your hands with soap and the water just never comes out? I’m always like, ‘any second now and I’ll be making sudz!’ But it’s not until you put your hand right on the wet little knob of the faucet that you get some action, so what’s the point?
How ‘bout automated lights? There’s this bathroom I use on campus fairly often, and if you go take a shit in there — yes I shit on campus, I am not a coward — after about five minutes, the light turns off because it doesn’t sense you sitting there dropping wolf bait. It leaves you pawing around in the dark and that is just not ideal. On the other hand, those lights that turn onand-off when you clap are pretty sick, but still just as efficient as flipping a switch.
I just feel like if we keep automating these little things, we’re gonna end up like the humans in Wall-E. Like, where does this end? A toilet paper dispenser that only gives four or five squares? A nail clipper built into your bathroom counter? Or maybe a robot that wipes my ass for me and tells me I oughta eat more fiber?
I just miss OG public bathroom experiences. Let me decide how much soap I need, not some fuck ass little sensor. And don’t even get me started on that damn Samsung fridge…
Noah Pond is a senior at Cal Poly Humboldt and the Layout Editor of the Lumberjack. When he’s not dishing designs, he can be found with a skateboard or at the Manilla Community Park disc golf course.