By Julia Kelm
To quote Kung Fu Panda 2, “My old enemy, stairs.”
It’s no mystery that Cal Poly Humboldt is known for its many stairs, considering its former alias as Hills and Stairs University. You likely encountered at least one set of stairs to get a copy of this newspaper. However, did you ever stop to wonder which campus staircases are best and which are worst? No? Well, I have.
I also think it’s important to pay attention to these things. Even though I’m an able-bodied individual, I find it blatantly obvious how non-accommodating this campus can be for disabled students.
Do I have you vaguely intrigued? Please continue reading to see my scores.
Stairs located right above the Depot, next to the student activity center
These stairs annoy me for two reasons. One: These stairs are practically pointless. Why does there need to be two stairs to go up a slight slope? Two: There’s literally a ramp right next to it! Like, why even bother putting stairs there in the first place? At what point are these no longer stairs and just a glorified tripping hazard? 1/10, just make the whole thing a ramp and give our ankles a break.
Founders Hall’s stairs
You know, I couldn’t rate the stairs around campus without mentioning Founders Hall. These are probably the most iconic stairs on campus. You likely know them well; they’re long and steep, yet wide for comfort when walking side-by-side with a stranger or friend. They feature a middle handrail in case you trip. By all means, these are pretty nice stairs by my standards. I could be biased since I’ve never used these stairs as part of my daily commute. Though, dare I say, I actually like these stairs? 9/10, points off for their height, but they’re just so iconic they deserve the highest score.
Cypress Hall’s stairs
I feel immense pity for the poor students who live at the bottom of Cypress Hall. If I had to climb Mt. Everest every day just to leave my dorm, I would surely lose my mind. 3/10, I’m so sorry.
Stairs located near geology in Founders Hall
The moment you’ve been waiting for, the worst stairs on campus. These stairs are uneven from tree roots growing through them, cracking the pavement. The handrails, bent and falling over, whilst being reclaimed by nature. If you just sent me a picture of these stairs and told me it was a set piece for The Last of Us, I might’ve believed you. Yet, the cherry on top for these stairs is the janky piece of paper taped to the railing saying “caution.” Like no shit, there might be zombies down there! -1/10, someone relocate this stairway to hell.
For now, this concludes my ratings of stairs. I may return to this if I feel inclined; there are still several stairs I could complain about. In fact, there are many other facilities on campus I have weirdly strong opinions about — I’m looking at you, scary Gist Hall elevator.
Julia is a journalism major at Cal Poly Humboldt. She loves film and is a regular on Letterboxd. To quote Robin Williams in her all-time favorite movie, Dead Poets Society, “The powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?”
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