by Nick Escalada
Hey reader! A little osprey told me that you have a special someone to spend Valentine’s Day with. As a terminally single individual, that’s amazing to hear! I’m happy you’re happy!
To ensure that you two stick together ‘til death do you part, I want to help you treat your honey baby extra right this year. Travelling beautiful Humboldt County these past few moons without a twin flame by my side has given me a lot of hypothetical date ideas I will never manifest. That’s where you come in! Using these first-rate Valentine’s Day plans, you shall realize your partner’s wildest fantasies and become the greatest lover to ever grace this campus.
Junch/Jinner
What better way to satisfy your hubby on V-Day than some comfort food at The J, or a taste of their “Latin” alternatives? Oooh, La Cucina, how exotic! Treat them to the same vegetable minestrone they had four hours ago, hand-feed them freezer-burnt broccoli and bathe them in non-existent chocolate milk. Showing restraint on big occasions at ol’ reliable joints like these will show your beloved that you’re financially conscious and ready for something serious.
If you have the courage, make a toast to them in front of all the freshmen eating around you. They’ll probably give you a nice nickname for future reference amongst each other, like Romeo or Bella Swan!
Ocean Skinny-Dip
A wise man once told me you’ll never truly know someone until you’ve swam with them naked. Who? I forget, but we have the perfect au naturel bathing conditions on the North Coast, and it’s about time you and your better half took advantage of them.
Slip into the steamy 50-degree waters of Humboldt’s many beaches — any beach is a nude beach if it’s dark enough — and yank your ball-and-chain in with you. If they say things like “I can’t see,” or “this feels unsafe without a wetsuit,” pat yourself on the back. You’ve rekindled that early stage of flirtation and playfulness!
Gift Exchange
Have you ever proudly handed your sweetheart a thoughtful present for a special day, only to be one-upped by theirs? That’s probably because gift-giving just isn’t your love language. Lucky for you, there are very straightforward, gendered principles that can keep you from spending more hours agonizing at the Bayshore Mall.
Anyone with a woman in their life will be warned of the monetary standards they hold their dating partners to. But as the recipient of at least one sensual female glance over his college career, I can tell you that Chrome Hearts and Nobu dinners simply aren’t what the ladies like. They only long for time with their best friend — chocolate. Any brand is sure to get you lucky that night, so pick your favorite from the vending machine. I like Baby Ruth.
Oh, and men like sneakers and video games. If you’re a secret admirer and have something to offer, shoot me an email and we can talk.
Surprise Double Date!
If you’re feeling fancy, you can even plan an actual date for Valentine’s Day ahead of time. What you won’t tell your partner, though, is who will be joining you — your ex! There’s no method to test your bond with your boo more proven than reeling in the one that got away. Letting the two meet is bound to elicit some positive jealousy, reframing your affection as a treasure to be fought for and guarded like the One Ring. All you have to do is sit back and watch the sparks fly.
I hope this list helps fortify your union with your soulmate ever more. After this Valentine’s Day, I’m sure you’ll be set for a long and serendipitous journey together. Mwahahaha… MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! —
Nick is the fat fucking chud News Editor of the Cumberjack, and it’s so over for him. He spends his days watching Linus Tech Tips and eating Hint of Lime Tostitos on his empty twin bed. His mother says she’s proud of him, but if that can’t quell his emptiness, what will? For inquiries email ne53@humboldt.edu.