Photo illustration by Freddy Brewster

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This past week had some serious crime. Someone was caught with a “weapon” while selling weed and a “casing” was found on the soccer field Sunday morning. Someone tried to fight somebody in the library and there may or may not be meth in the water. This week saw some contraband confiscations in the Jolly Giant Commons and a suspicious baby. Check it out!

The Rolling Count:

Possession charges = 5

Contraband/paraphernalia seizures = 4

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Monday Feb. 18

· BIKERS, YA GOTTA STOP —Five bicyclists were stopped and warned for blowing through stop signs.

· Good guy alert x5—UPD helped five people with jumpstarts. They are here to serve and protect, that’s for sure.

· Suspicious baby—There was a report of a man “[wandering] aimlessly, perhaps lost” with a small child. Must have been a sketchy looking baby.

· A problem worth addressing—UPD warned a “male non-student” for camping on campus. The housing problem here is ridiculous and needs to be addressed. City council meetings are every first and third Wednesday at 6 p.m. Show up and demand change.

Tuesday Feb. 19

· DRUG ACTIVITY—Someone in the Jolly Giant mailroom got their piece seized. Bummer bruh, keep that shish on the D.L. next time.

· GUNS AND DRUGS—Someone was arrested for “possession of a weapon on campus,” and for selling weed around the Rossow and Harpst Street area. That’s some real crime.

· Smokin’ ciggies—Someone was busted smoking in the art quad. Smoking on campus anywhere is against the university tobacco policy. Head off campus or just start chewin’ ‘tabacka’. Dip spit is sexy in some parts of America.

· Good guy alert x4—UPD helped with two jumpstarts, locked car doors and a late-night escort. Thanks fellas!

Wednesday Feb. 20

· I hope you’re alright—“The welfare of a student was checked at the request of faculty.” It is that time of the year when the sun leaves and the clouds drop their emotions upon us in the form of rain. If you’re experiencing tough times and need someone to talk to, check out the mental health services at the Student Health Center.

· That’s gonna hurt—Someone twisted their ankle near the Campus Apartments and requested medical aid. Best wishes for a speedy recovery pal.

· Good guy alert x5—Man UPD has been crushing it this week with helping people out. Two jumpstarts and three late-night escorts!

Thursday Feb. 21

· Fight club—“Second hand information of a fight on the third floor” of the library. This weather is really getting to people. The library is for studying, not fighting.

· That is NOT your spot—Someone parked in a handicap spot without a placard near Redwood Hall. The driver was warned and let go without a ticket. I know parking is tight on campus but you should not park in a handicap spot!!

· “Any type of contraband”—This just sounds cool. Talk about a cool band name, right?!?! Actually, what happened was some RA requested a pick up of “confiscated marijuana” and UPD collected it “for destruction.” I wonder if the cops smoke weed? Hmm, maybe I should follow this up for a story…

Friday Feb. 22

· Grand theft bicycle—There was a report of a stolen bike near B Street. It is a bummer that it was stolen, but at least it is one less person blowing through stop signs, right?

· “Vehicle investigation”—“Subjects parked and walked down to the duck pond.” That’s literally word for word what the report says. WTF happened? Did they kill a duck? Smoke some weed? Partake in some deviant acts? You’re leaving us hanging here UPD!!

· There’s meth in the water!!—Someone called 911 and reported that they were having a heart attack because “someone put meth in his water.” I’ve never done meth before, but I don’t think that is how it works. I could be wrong. The guy survived the night and doctors told him that there was no meth in his water.

Saturday Feb. 23

· It’s two in the morning… go home—At 2:38 a.m., two people went into a room in Nelson Hall East, “closed the doors and shut off the lights.” “They lit candles and started summoning demons,” officer Joe Schmoe said. “It was dope as hell.”

Sunday Feb. 24

· Suspicious circumstances—A casing was found on the soccer field by a coach around 11 in the morning. What the eff?

· They can track you—Someone called 911 and when the operators called back they just hung up, multiple times. So, they used the cell towers to locate the phone. Creepyyyy.

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