by Lidia Grande-Ruiz
For the longest time, sex for larger people was a taboo subject – it wasn’t considered normal and open to talk about like how it is today. Sex should not only be the best experience, but also a time to try new ideas without being put down. It should be an experience in which one not only feels good about themselves but also builds a trusting bridge between themselves and their partner.
Recently, my friend/co-worker and I were discussing how sex for plus sized women has made many of us super insecure, especially in entering a relationship. We discussed how negative views that society has instilled on larger people has made us insecure of our bodies, how even wearing lingerie was out of the question for us. Porn often labels the videos which do portray plus-sized people as ‘fat girl this and that,’ and it’s disheartening. It’s like society is telling plus sized people that we shouldn’t experience a fucking orgasm.
Growing up in a Latinx Christian household, sex was only brought up in discussions around preventing unwanted pregnancy. It also did not help that I grew up in the 2000s; during that time, bigger people were rarely ever shown or mentioned in TV, fashion, or sex. Bigger people were brought up with the mindset of, ‘if I gain weight, I will be forever alone and single.’ The only time a plus sized individual was mentioned in media was during a before-and-after diet success story, or as the butt of a joke. That kind of trauma is brought back in bed and when we want to feel free, we feel instead trapped in an endless cycle of body negativity.
My roommates and I were discussing the other night how sex should make us feel. One of them mentioned how sometimes on a day when they felt bad about their body, sex helped them feel sexy the next day, especially as a non-binary individual. Another of my roommates spoke on how sometimes trauma from a past relationship can make us feel like we are not worthy of anything. That struck a chord with me.
For the longest time, my ex would make me feel like I was not worthy enough. There would be times that he would look at me with disgust, both in and out of bed. It made me feel like all I am is a score and when that came to my mind, it got me thinking about bets.
Growing up, I was relentlessly bullied about my size. When I saw his true side, it broke me into a trillion pieces. It brought me severe flashbacks of my first relationship, and I built a wall. It didn’t help that his friends joined in the laugh, and half of them were plus sized women. It left me feeling humiliated, but also unworthy of ever finding a caring partner and friendships.
I am in a much better place now, surrounded by individuals who care about me and understand the trauma. We have the right to feel amazing about ourselves, at all times but especially during sexy times. It should be a time in which we can shut the world out, feeling not just fireworks but also a safe haven.
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