by Noah Pond, Eli Farrington, Jasmin Shirazian and Barley Lewis-McCabe

A 4-foot-tall vagina with a disco ball clitoris stood at center stage as two women stormed on dancing to It’s Raining Men by The Weather Girls. The sausage fest to end all sausage fests, the first night of the Mr. Humboldt Pageant took place at the Arcata Theater Lounge this weekend for the first time in five years. Consisting of a series of weird and wacky competitions, activities and contestants, the pageant followed a format reminiscent of Ms. America, but with a unique Humboldt twist.

This year’s Mr. Humboldt Pageant was the first one to take place since before the COVID-19 pandemic, and also the first one to feature “all-stars” from past pageants. These “all-stars” were allowed to compete against a swarm of new contestants in a fantastically extravagant, unapologetically unfiltered and highly anticipated showdown of the ages. 

Judge, local drag queen and former reigning Mr. Humboldt champion Komboujia provided some insights into the inner workings of the pageant and how the contestants were judged, which included a question and answer segment, a swimsuit contest and a talent show. Komboujia also noted her appreciation for the positive environment that the pageant creates. 

“What really brings me joy is being able to create space for people to feel safe and welcome, and have a good time,” Komboujia said. “Especially people who are like me, who may not feel like they have a lot of space here locally. Bringing those people into [this] community really brings me joy and motivation.”

Like any fundraiser, the proceeds are donated to a good cause, which is selected by the previous winner of the pageant. 

“Since the [former] winner gets to choose where the proceeds go, I get to choose. My proceeds are going to the Raven Project, and a youth drag mentorship program called System Failure that runs out of Outer Space here in Arcata,” Komboujia said. 

The event’s festivities were wild, packed full of little challenges, dances and even condiment splattered bodies. During the Q&A, Mr. Mckinleyville Statue was asked what Humboldt’s alternate mascot would be — he had a snarky political remark locked and loaded. 

“You already had one, but everyone turned me down — bring back great Americans,” Mr. Mckinleyville Statue said. “You can’t get rid of me.”

Alex Stillman, Arcata Mayor and presenter of the Cougar Award, was a part of the local lady legends who sat as the judges of the event. Stillman has been an Arcata resident since 1971, and has been presenting the Cougar Award since the very first Mr. Humboldt, back in 2013. She accepted the honor of judging years ago when the pageant was in its early years and has continued to since then. She views the event as a play; an opportunity for men and women to be ridiculous and put on a fun show for a good cause. 

“When an older woman is going after a younger man, they call ‘em cougars,” Stillman said. “A long time ago, I was asked to come to the very first Mr. Humboldt and I was a judge. Then they asked me — since I happen to be an older judge — if I would give out the cougar award.”

Stillman has been an Arcata resident since 1971, and has been presenting the Cougar Award since the very first Mr. Humboldt, back in 2013. She views the event as a play and an opportunity for men and women to be ridiculous and put on a fun show for a good cause. 

The night rolled on as dirty jokes rang throughout the venue. Two male-presenting audience members were called onstage and asked to strip as the hosts explained that two female-presenting counterparts had been tasked with using various condiments to paint a portrait of Stillman on the torsos of the gents. The pungent scents of barbecue sauce, ketchup and mustard filled the nostrils of audience members all throughout the venue.

The contestants’ next challenge was a swimsuit contest. They each took their own approach to it; some threw bags of nuts from their pants and others shook their rumps in sparkly thongs. Baby Bigfoot even removed his suit to reveal a shredded, hairy bod. Covering his crotch was a gigantic, 15-inch banana slug plushie. 

During the intermission before the next competition, the hosts informed the crowd that Mr. King of the Universe (Mr. KOTU) and Mr. Mckinleyville Statue had fallen in love, and Mr. KOTU had proposed backstage. A few moments later, they were on stage being joined in holy matrimony. Mr. KOTU wore a veil and Mr. Mckinleyville Statue wore a suit, and Komboujia performed the honors. They seemed to be a perfect fit, with Mr. KOTU being a Trump impersonator and Mr. Mckinleyville Statue being a former republican president and colonizer. However, moments after they were married, they tried consummating the marriage on stage. When Mr. KOTU “finished,” his heart stopped and he died in front of the crowd’s very eyes. 

“My marriage was short but beautiful,” Mr. KOTU said. “Again, he’s no Ivanka, but it was beautiful. He was rock hard — nobody was as hard as that statue.”

The chaos continued as the hosts announced Mr. Mckinleyville Statue was shot and killed backstage, and replaced by Mr. Riptide — who was the same man, just without the statue in front of him. In yet another unexpected twist, Mr. KOTU was resurrected as Mr. Apocalypse. 

Mr. Apocalypse, dressed head to toe in a red suit bedazzled in sequins and horns, brandished a pitchfork with dildos on the end of each prong. He won the pageant despite his Cheetos-dusted face and the poopy diaper he twerked in during the swimsuit section. He was not surprised by his victory as he was crowned Mr. Man of the Year.

“I feel it was inevitable, I knew there was no way I wouldn’t win especially as I was reborn from the death as the dildo king,” Mr. King of the Universe said.

The second night was just as extravagant. The line to get inside was down the block, with about 100 people standing in the intermittent rain, anxiously waiting for one thing — to see the best hunk o’ man meat in Humboldt County. 

As the event began, the crowd was presented with a showstopping lip sync from co-host Komboujia. The competition went similarly to the night before, with a Q&A, a swimsuit competition, trivia, elimination rounds and so on. 

When all was said and done, the winner was announced as Mr. Cowabunga. The energy of the audience was palpable as the crowd favorite was announced. 

“We love the people of Humboldt County and we can work together to make this a better place,” Cowabunga said. “Be humble. Humboldt #1!” 

The gender-bending extravaganza offered an avenue of safety and fun for members of the community, while also serving as an opportunity for participants to experiment with their identities. The competition advertises itself as a celebration of non-toxic masculinity, at a time when this pushback is needed more than ever. 

Senior communications major Kelly Padrick and sophomore business major Alex Moore were in attendance on the first night of the performance. They looked on Instagram to find out if the Arcata Theatre Lounge was doing anything for Valentine’s Day and thought the Mr. Humboldt pageant looked peculiar.

“It was just the amount of weird that we expected,” Moore said.

The pair recommended that anyone who had the chance to go and see it should take it. 

“I paid to be entertained,” Padrick said. “And I was.”