The Lumberjack



Students Serving The Cal Poly Humboldt Campus and Community Since 1929

Tag: dating

  • Jasmins Corner; miscommunication

    Jasmins Corner; miscommunication

    By Jasmin Shirazian

    Dear Jasmin, 

    I have a girl I really like and might’ve asked to hangout in a strange manner, and it came off a little weird. She didn’t reject me, she said something about being busy, but it seemed genuine. I’m in the midst of contemplating whether I shoot my shot, ask to hang, or what to do from here. My morals keep getting in the way of things and am trying to make a so-called comeback from here. What should I do?

    Everyone gets nervous talking to their crush – especially if they’re trying to ask them out. So what, you acted like a little freak? Happens to the best of us. 

    What to do from here can be tricky territory. You don’t want to be pushy, but you also deserve clarity on the situation. If you genuinely think she was being serious about being busy, try and reschedule. If you guys have history, and she knows you like her, I don’t see why she would agree if she wasn’t somewhat interested. That is, unless you backed her into a corner, either physically or metaphorically. 

    When you say your morals are getting in the way of things, what do you mean in terms of morals? Are you sure it’s your moral compass and not your ego and pride? Sending a double text is scary, but in my opinion, being a victim of your pride is worse. You waste precious, unretrievable time when you let your pride get in the way of your relationships – whether it’s a double text to try and hang out, or reaching out to give an apology, our egos often interfere with solvable situations. 

    This seems like a common issue of miscommunication. If you’re not sure where her heads at, ask her. If she gives you a wishy-washy response, you have your answer. At the end of the day, you have to go back to the source. 

  • Be open and honest for better dating

    by Kianna Znika

    We live in a time where most of us are liberated and independent enough to know that dating isn’t a necessity; we’ve done the work to be okay on our own. We pour love into ourselves, additionally surrounding ourselves with the healing, platonic love from our friends and family. 

    When I first started celebrating my independence as a single person, I had a couple of realizations. First was that I genuinely loved who I was and the life I was creating for myself. I couldn’t believe there was ever a time when I’d justify unsatisfying connections, convincing myself that kindness should compensate for a lack of genuine interest. I’d cling to situations that left me miserable, telling myself excuses like, “Well, they’re kind of nice to me, so it’s okay,” or “Maybe I’m just being shallow.”

    I was chipping away at my self-worth and esteem by invalidating my true wants and needs, accepting less than satisfactory situations when I knew, deep down, that my heart wanted more.

    Being brutally honest with oneself is a mantra I now live by. It’s the compass that guided me to the other realization — I am, at my core, a romantic soul yearning for genuine connection and love.

    Now, I’m not saying that this is something I need in my life; rather, it was a beautiful change in mindset towards dating. I will flow through my life and open my heart to love, but I will only involve myself in connections that match my own wants and needs.

    “I don’t need to be with someone. So if I am going to be with someone, it’ll be because it’s my dream scenario,” is what I told myself.

    And, although this isn’t the one-step cure to dating – I definitely still found myself in dissatisfying situations along the way – I am so grateful that I stayed true to what I wanted because I can now confidently say that I found that dream scenario. I am happily in a relationship with someone who aligns with my aspirations and supports my joy and independence.

    Now, imagine if I hadn’t been honest along the way?

    While I’m proud of the normalization of polyamory, I’ve witnessed some people force themselves into it when all they really want, deep down, is to focus on one romantic partner. Let’s keep celebrating all personal loving and dating styles, embracing the beauty of individual preferences. If you want monogamy, own it. It’s okay. Be honest and you’ll attract someone who wants to be monogamous with you, too.

    I hear people say they’re not looking for something serious, while continuously doing and saying things that prove to me that what they really want is a relationship. I believe they do this in order to “be chill” and protect themselves. It seems like everyone in the dating scene right now isn’t looking for anything serious. But, what if some people are only saying that because everyone else is?

    I’m grateful that I was honest with myself about the type of dating experience I wanted. I was unapologetically upfront about wanting a genuine relationship, even on the first date. Crazy? No, just emotionally available and confident.

    So, don’t settle. If you want a certain type of dating experience, odds are someone else out there wants the same thing. They exist, just like you do. Remember: dating isn’t a necessity, so might as well make it exactly what you want and deserve. Your dream scenario is not only possible; it’s worth it. 

  • Take a man to the barber shop for the first date. 

    Take a man to the barber shop for the first date. 

    by Alana Hackman

    If you were alive in 2016 – which I hope most of you were – you are probably familiar with the meme, “take her swimming on the first date,” in reference to the glam makeup that was trending at the time. Makeup-wearers were showing up to third period Pre-Algebra in Anastasia dip brow, matte semi-permanent liquid lipsticks, false eyelashes and the glitter cut creases.

    Mainly men — young boys I should say — weaponized this sweet and fun makeup against women at the time to birth the meme. It alluded to the idea that if women swam on the first date, their makeup wouldn’t stay on and you would see their bare faces for what they really are. Many used the meme to reference that you could finally see she was actually ugly? I don’t really know. Just another way to criticize nothing but some girly fun! It doesn’t really make much sense either cause the majority of women aren’t hiding behind their makeup. For most, it’s just another method of self expression. 

    Anyways, nearly seven years later from the birth of that insulting meme, I believe it is time for another. In reference to the mullet and mustache madness that has taken Humboldt County and artsy Californian men by storm, I propose we start taking men to barber shops on the first date. 

    Why, you may ask? It’s literally impossible to swipe on any dating app without getting harassed by some man and his sorry excuse for a mullet and ‘70s porn-stache. These days the mullet has been snatched away from the grips of Bowie’s killer androgynous looks and into the dirty (actually, suspiciously clean) hands of trust fund, wanna-be, Ventura County fake cowboys. 

    I miss the days when the mullet was exclusively for lesbians, the nonbinary folks and good old country bumpkins. I don’t wanna see a mullet on you unless you have a long family lineage in Arkansas, or pair it with some array of facial piercings. 

    The mullet and mustache combo being adopted by vintage Carhartt resellers and BMW drivers is not only unrealistic, but also can be qualified as the wig and makeup for most straight men. The combo is used to really sell the whole “working man” look that’s trending for straight guys. When in reality, the most hard labor they’ve done is hash it out with Depop’s buyer support after moving to Humboldt county from the most suburban Bay Area neighborhood ever. 

    Shave that furry lip adornment off and BOOM – top lip is nowhere to be found. All of a sudden, that so-called sexy rugged man you thought you were seeing is back to a Bitcoin-selling Twitch streamer that yells way too aggressively at his mom. 

    What’s a girl gotta do to find a real authentic mullet-wearing straight man these days? The whole liberal cowboy thing is hot, but can only go so far. I’m gonna start asking these mustached men to show me proof of them driving a tractor or a forklift certification if they really wanna get to know me – just so I know they aren’t fakers and actually deserve their mullet and mustache privileges. 

    So ladies, next time that Tinder man with the Pabst Blue Ribbon obsession (bordering on alcoholism), vintage Marlobro hat and mullet/mustache combo asks to take you out on a date to the vintage reseller market, may I recommend the barber shop?

  • Dating in the time of COVID

    Dating in the time of COVID

    by Krisanne Keiser

    None of us thought we would wake up one morning and be told that we could no longer make connections the way we were used to. COVID-19 became a part of our daily lives, affecting us at every turn.

    Dating during a worldwide pandemic has impacted us all in unique ways, including CSH students.

    Local resident and Cal Poly Humboldt alumnus Olivia Brock shared their experience.

    “Dating during COVID times for me is for sure more online now at the beginning of talking to someone,” Brock said. “It definitely restricts what we do … all the dates I’ve been on have been outside usually somewhere in nature with a mask on.”

    Once you’ve managed to meet someone, COVID-19 precautions also complicate bringing them home. Having roommates means that bringing over a new flame has to involve conversations about masking, exposure, and testing.

    “But once enough of the outside dates and FaceTime dates have happened and it feels worth it, then we could move forward with figuring out how to add someone to our exposure bubble. It’s a lot of logistics and communication,” said Brock. “I enjoy FaceTime dates a lot, because I don’t have to leave my house and they’re easier to schedule.”

    Building connections online does have its advantages, according to Brock. She says it forces her to be more engaged in the conversation, because that’s the only way there’s any hope of forging an online connection.

    “Overall, COVID has forced me to go slower in relationships and communicate boundaries more effectively,” she said.

    History major Victoria Bankson often worries about the vaccination status of potential partners. She says that if the person she’s interested in has purposely chosen to avoid getting vaccinated, that completely changes her opinion of them and weighs into her decision to ultimately not date them.

    “I’m not going to mess around with somebody who’s unvaxxed, that’s just not right,” Bankson said. “We don’t have the same values if you’re that way.”

    She also shared that conversing online isn’t the most enjoyable way for her to get to know someone, but that having a phone conversation feels more intimate and comfortable.

    “I don’t like texting online, and I don’t feel like I’m the best communicator that way,” Bankson said. “I’m much more of a ‘give me a phone call’ [person,] which is very much opposite of what things are now.”

    Junior Franziska Daumberger doesn’t feel like COVID-19 changed the dating scene for her personally, but acknowledges that it added some new challenges.

    “People would either be careful about COVID and say like ‘oh I’m vaccinated’ or ‘I wear a mask’ or wanting to meet in outdoor places,” said Daumberger. “And then that’s further stipulation upon whether or not I was interested in them or not … if they didn’t care at the height of it I was like ‘I don’t wanna be even knowing you because your beliefs don’t align with mine.”

  • Ask Evergreen: Single and Seeking

    Ask Evergreen: Single and Seeking

    Ask Evergreen is a weekly advice column by the students of The Lumberjack

    Dear Evergreen

    How do I meet people without using online dating apps?

    Dear single and seeking,

    People still find connections through real life interactions despite the prevalence of dating apps.

    Although the existence of dating apps can help speed up the connection process, it’s desensitized many of its users to meaningful connections. Nevertheless, you can navigate through the chaos of cuffing season—or the season in which people pair up—without the digital drama.

    If you are completely against using the web to find love you’ll have to start putting yourself out into the world and approaching people. Start striking up friendly conversations with people at your favorite coffee shop or while you’re on your next hike in the Arcata Community Forest.

    While it may seem brazen to talk to strangers, you’re getting into an immediate conversation rather than thinking of a pickup line or waiting for them to make the first move on an app.

    This way may require thicker skin to deal with face-to-face rejections, but it also helps you learn the art of conversation and confidence.

    Don’t be ashamed to approach someone in real life, but don’t intrude on someone who looks like they would rather not be bothered.

    While you don’t need an app to tell you who to like, dating apps do help you to know who is available while also giving you a faint glimpse into the personality of a possible partner.

    Many online dating users intend to seek sex and nothing more. However, if you’re searching for a more meaningful connection, dating apps can still help. You can also find connections through the internet on places other than dating apps—just be cautious.

    As a student, you’re in a prime location for eligible singles. It’s just a matter of figuring out who’s looking for the same thing as you.

    If you haven’t already, explore a dating app just to see who is out there. Maybe someone from a class or a regular at your favorite coffee place is seeking too. You won’t know who’s out there until you look.

    If you are inclined to keep things organic, try to hang out in the library more often or sunbathe in the art quad.

    If all else fails, ask some trustworthy friends to set you up on a blind date.

    Good luck!

    Sincerely, Evergreen

    If you have any questions you’d like to send in, email us at contactthejack@gmail.com. We won’t publish any names and you don’t need to use one.

  • Redefine the codes

    Redefine the codes

    Changing the unspoken rules of human decency.

    Today’s political and social climate is bringing exposure and discussion to the way that men treat women and even the way that they treat each other. A small and possibly forgotten aspect of patriarchy in society is the infamous bro-code. Though there’s not a set list of what this code is made up of, the rules are often widely defined and understood.

    This male version of friendship etiquette is dead or at least dying. However, bro code is still alive in some ways, but hopefully not thriving. After witnessing a recent claim of broken bro code, it seemed necessary to ensure men and women are not still using unspoken codes as excuse to live their lives.

    The bro code, though prevalent for some time, has made a name for itself as the guiding principles upon which Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother lives his life. Though sometimes considered a satire of what men are, Stinson still ends up the favorite on the show. There’s even a feeble website depicting a short HIMYM rendition of the bro code.

    In some ways the bro code exists as respect between men. Men invoke these unspoken rules to cover anything from bathroom etiquette to dating. The most basic of these unspoken rules is “bro’s before ho’s” which ties into the fact that as a bro, you should never date your best friend’s ex or put a woman before your bro.

    Referring to the women in these scenarios as ho’s is problematic enough.

    Another rule is the idea that a bro’s sister is off limits, but his cousin is not. Also present in the code is the idea that if a bro is chasing a woman, that woman is also untouchable by his friends.

    The one thing missing from all of this is asking the woman what she wants, thinks or feels in relation to these bros deciding her romantic fate.

    Women are not exempt from having unspoken rules or societal expectations amongst each other. Some of them align with the bro code, like not dating the ex of your friends or asking for permission to date someone related to or close to someone else.

    It’s true an unspoken girl code exists to counteract the bro code. And it is also true that these codes end up staking claim on others while skipping the idea that one should communicate their feelings with their friends and potential lovers. These codes create shame and guilt designed to stake claim on people while protecting the pride of those whose relationships didn’t work out.

    Having open and honest communication with each other about feelings and respect is a much better way to handle decency between people. Honesty is better than perpetuating unspoken societal codes designed to put each other down and claim ownership over others.

    The bro code is alive. The girl code is alive, too. But both of them deserve to be left behind and redefined.

  • Opinion: A man’s perspective on healing between the sexes

    Opinion: A man’s perspective on healing between the sexes

    I believe love is on the horizon.

    The voice of the #MeToo movement exposes sexual predation in the workplace. This dark force of man has been preying upon and shattering the lives of innocent women for a long time.

    The testimonies of rape and sexual misconduct will hopefully encourage others who are wronged to come forward and right the wrongs inflicted upon them.

    No one has the right to disrespect anyone else.

    The act of sharing oneself intimately is sacred. The emotions and sensations that arise are spontaneous. There could be infinite uncertainties and misgivings for both mates. At no other time in our culture have we begun to consider, address and follow the requests of a mate in a sexual interaction.

    The consent movement has given us the ability to acknowledge ourselves and vocalize intimate needs.

    The intrigue and mystique of women is a form of enlightenment for some of us men. The chemical signals and euphoric feelings elicited by women linger on long after the actual encounter. Even if the encounter was brief and lacking physical contact, the wonderings and fanciful dreams playfully await a reunion with such a figure of passion.

    The time has come to look beyond the dreams and realities hinging upon the opposite sex. Now there is an opportunity of healing between the sexes. Strong support for women advancement and control of society is needed. Women’s hard work and struggle is how we all got here.

    If women are happy, then men will be happy, too. Give women the honor they deserve, always be a gentleman and respectful of others. When we move toward the greater good together, our world is a better place.