The Lumberjack



Students Serving The Cal Poly Humboldt Campus and Community Since 1929

Tag: relationship

  • Long distance relationships come with an expiration date

    Long distance relationships come with an expiration date

    by Alana Hackman

    Imagine this: you’re in your dorm room getting ready for a night out with friends with the cheap vodka your one friend with a fake ID supplied, and nothing but pure 18-year-old confidence. Adrenaline is pumping as you sashay around your roommates makeup bag strewn about your shared bedroom floor, careful to avoid speaking to them as they apply their liquid eyeliner. All of a sudden, your phone that was blasting some 2014 alternative indie throwback is buzzing. The music stops and everyone turns to you, wondering if your DJ rights should be revoked. You scramble to your smartphone, and as you flip it, over there lies an incoming Facetime call from your long-distance boyfriend. Pink heart emojis act as bookends to his contact name as you look at yourself on the screen and contemplate answering this call. 

    “Oh, it’s (some boring hometown man’s name),” you say to your friends.

    They know the weight that generic name holds in that dorm household. It’s 9 p.m. and they already called a cab, which should be there in about two minutes. You look at your phone as it vibrates in your hand, you look at the flock of young girls on your bed giving you the look – you know the one. The bordering Kubrick stare and eyes of disappointment, non-verbally asking, “Are you really gonna answer it right now?”  You gaze back at your phone and quickly say “I have to take this,” as you disconnect from the bluetooth speaker and rush out into the dank hallway of your shared living space, hoping to god your name isn’t part of the conversation that’s happening behind the door you just slammed. 

    I, too, was a victim of the unplanned long-distance boyfriend call. From my freshman year of college to my junior year, I was enraptured in my long-distance relationship. I wouldn’t say it was all bad but I will say it just took way too much energy in the long run. I was fresh out of highschool and still carrying the weight of my highschool boyfriend around. I spent nights having sleepovers over Facetime, or watching some movie that we had to perfectly time to sync over the phone. Long-distance relationships can truly show you love someone, but when does it reach the point of total time consumption? 

    It was fun in the beginning, when you were excited for each other and the different paths you took, but long-distance success is based on clear communication, and sometimes that isn’t even enough to hold the relationship together. When college and life in your new town away from your partner picks up, lots of factors come into play; jealousy, accessibility, and just the plain old feelings of missing each other. 

    When your time gets so constrained to the point of only being able to call your partner in your LDR (long-distance relationship) once a week, it can really throw an axe into your dynamic. Even if it’s clearly communicated and you’re transparent with your busy schedules, it can feel hard for your LDR partner to not feel neglected or forgotten about. They aren’t with you – they aren’t seeing your day to day schedule, and when you have to pencil in time to call them and try to keep their attention as you talk to them about your mind numbing statistics lecture, the spark can easily fizzle out. 

    You can try and keep it alive by doing movie nights for each other or sending care packages, but at the end of the day, it’s hard to feel truly loved and cherished when you’re six hours away from each other and not sure when you’ll see eachother again. 

    Honestly, I don’t think any 18-20-year-old has the emotional or physical capacity to do that either. These are such developmental ages, and trying to entertain an LDR partner in between it all can feel like a maze of confusion and a tow truck of effort. I’m not saying dump your LDR because it’s gonna ruin your social life. I don’t think I missed out much when I was in my LDR as a baby-faced college freshman, but I will say it caused some baggage in the long run. 

    Long-distance relationships seem to only be a blanket to hold on to the inevitable factor that you will break up; holding on to the very end until you have to throw in the towel. It usually isn’t pretty, and is the reason why most LDRs end over the phone or text with little-to-no closure at all. That’s gonna cause more pain in the end than just parting ways after highschool for the purpose of doing it for each other’s own benefit. Breakups are never easy, but it can give you a lot more peace of mind. You did it for your partner’s and your own self-preservation. 

    I can’t speak much on the mid-20s LDRs, but I’d have to say it’s the same. Open communication just isn’t possible without at least some weekly face-to-face conversations. Interaction in the digital world can feel awkward, less genuine and allows more time for feelings of neglect and loneliness to build up. Long distance has its expiration date; I can only see it as a temporary thing of a year max. Anything past that is just a waste of time. 

  • Jasmin’s Corner; you need therapy

    Jasmin’s Corner; you need therapy

    by Jasmin Shirazian

    Hey Jasmin, 

    I think I need therapy, but I’m afraid. I’m not the type of person who likes to share my sad feelings with anybody, so I shove them down and pretend like they aren’t there. Recently, I’ve been noticing that my sad emotions are starting to catch up to me and are taking over my thoughts. I can’t really sleep because of them and it’s making all of my days seem mushed together. So back to the therapy thing, I’m afraid to tell someone about how I feel because I don’t want to get judged. In my mind, I feel like it’s silly for someone like me to be sad because I don’t really have anything happen to me recently to have sad emotions. 

    If you think you need therapy, you need therapy. If you don’t think you need therapy, you’re wrong and you need it more than anyone else. To me, therapy is just as important as a regular doctor or dentist appointment. Your mental health is just as relevant as the physical stuff. 

    Shame, pride and embarrassment are what stop many people from seeking help, but you can’t let your fear prevent your growth. Therapists are awesome because they get paid to care, so you don’t have to feel like you’re burdening anyone in your life with your problems. Their job isn’t to judge you, but to help you, though it may take a few tries to find a therapist that you feel comfortable with. Life is about trial and error. 

    Journaling your feelings throughout the day can be a good starting point in expressing your feelings. Getting them down on paper can help organize your thoughts and maybe recognize some patterns, like certain triggers. At the end of the day though, a proper diagnosis can seriously help you navigate your emotions and make sense of your brain. 

    You have to take chances and put yourself in uncomfortable positions to create change in your life. Being vulnerable is one of the strongest things you can be, which is why it can be so hard to get to a point of comfortability within it. 

    There’s no reason to feel silly for having emotions just because you’re not actively going through a tragedy or a trauma. If you can’t find the means to validate yourself, let me put it clearly: you are allowed to have feelings. More than anything, you are allowed to feel your feelings. 

    Shoving your feelings down into an endless pit will only fill it with emotional-vipers that’ll come back to bite you in the ass later in life. Make your life easier and deal with them now. 

    xoxo,

    Jasmin

  • Distance makes the heart grow fonder

    Distance makes the heart grow fonder

    by Savana Robinson

    “I love you,” I said to my boyfriend this afternoon. “I’ll see you in a month.”

    With a heavy heart, I walked away from him. Our eyes met with one last glance and we went our separate ways.

    We’ve been a long-distance couple for a year. It was hard at first because we went from working and living together to seeing each other every few weeks. This school year, we’re going longer without seeing each other. I’m working weekends and can’t come home on a whim. Also, I have a bunkmate this semester. We have to plan his visits and get a hotel when he does come. But, I’m only two and a half hours from him, so it’s not a problem for him to come up just for a night at a time.

    So, here’s my hot take: I like long distance. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and I miss him every day that I’m not with him, but I’m a very independent person. To be honest, I’m very needy when I am with him, because he does all kinds of things for me – acts of service are my love language. But because I’m an independent girly, I do okay as long as I’m staying busy.

    I think that everyone should do long distance at least once in their relationship. I think having some space from each other is healthy. You can find out who you are without them while being with them at the same time. Even if it’s a two-week family vacation without your partner or a temporary school or work relocation, it can fortify your relationship.

    The most important thing to remember when you’re in a long-distance relationship is that communication is key. In this modern age, we have technology that keeps us connected better than ever. My boyfriend and I video call each other on Snapchat at least once a day; several times if possible.

    Another thing that’s important is to remind them that you love them just as much when you’re apart as when you’re together. A great way to do that is sending letters. I know there are more efficient ways to communicate, but letters make great keepsakes that will foster fond memories you can look back on in the years to come.

    If I could choose, I’d still do long distance. Maybe not for a year – it’ll be two when I’m done with school – but at least for a few months. Because of this trial of our love, we are stronger than ever.

  • Coming out of the deck: the aces of Cal Poly Humboldt

    Coming out of the deck: the aces of Cal Poly Humboldt

    by Alexandra Berrocal

    We’ve all heard of straight, gay, and bisexual people. But what about asexual people?

    Asexual people are people who do not experience sexual attraction.

    Abigail Vonderschmitt, a music major who is in her first year at Cal Poly Humboldt, has always known that she is asexual. When she discovered the term a couple of years ago, she instantly related to the term. When she came out, nothing really changed. People treated her normally.  

    She made it clear to her partner early on, and she was blessed with an understanding partner. 

    “There’s more to it than what the media portrays,” Vonderschmitt said. “I know how to express myself and know how to put into words how I feel,” she said.

    A history major going only as Adam with a concentration in education, currently identifies as demisexual, which is an identity that is on the asexual spectrum. 

    “It’s something I’ve been exploring for about a year now,” he said.  

    He acknowledges that for masculine people, questioning your (a)sexuality is not the norm.  Adam has not really come out, at least not to his parents. He has noted that people don’t understand asexuality the way they do other sexualities.

    “I imagine there’d be a lot of explaining to do,” Adam said. 

    Adam believes that it’s important to continue educating people and that gender roles need to be addressed. He wishes people understood the intricacies of asexuality, and that people could go beyond stereotypes and understand how identities can be fluid.  Being on the spectrum of  asexuality has definitely made for some challenges in the dating realm, because for many, sexuality goes hand in hand with romantic attraction.  

    “People come in with expectations and you can’t deliver on them,” Adam said.

    He believes it would be easier to fit into the societal norm, but has done the work to break free.

    “I love understanding myself better and understanding I’m not broken for not wanting to be a certain way,” Adam said.

    An anonymous computer science major, who asked to be called “Jane”, knew she was asexual back in middle school. When she tried to speak about it to others, she got backlash; some told her it wasn’t a real thing. Jane went back into the closet after that. It was only recently that she started to accept herself again. She is not out to her parents, as they are not very queer friendly. Her former partner told her that asexuality wasn’t possible, which is one of the reasons they broke up. Her current friend group is accepting, however. She doesn’t want to explain or defend herself, so she hasn’t come out to very many people.

    “I still get imposter syndrome,” Jane said. 

    Jane has seen doubtful comments on social media, but tries to surround herself with supportive people. She wishes people understood that sexual attraction is different from arousal. Asexuality is not feeling sexual attraction to people, no matter how your body reacts.  

    “It’s a wide spectrum,” Jane said. “[It’s impacted my dating life] a lot.”  

    “Honestly, I haven’t had any luck finding asexual guys,” Jane said. “[However], I feel like I have a deeper understanding of sexuality, and how diverse and fluid it can be.”

    She’s had sex, though she doesn’t feel much of anything during it.  

    Another asexual student, going by E., is an Environmental Studies major with a concentration in ecological restoration in her third year at Cal Poly Humboldt. She first realized she was asexual in middle school. She changed her mind for several years, but a couple of years ago, rediscovered the asexual spectrum and has identified as asexual ever since. According to her, it has been a winding journey. Her parents didn’t take her ace identity seriously. They thought it was a phase and didn’t care much. She also came out as a trans woman, and this was taken more seriously by her parents. Most of her friends accept her, however. She said that being asexual has never been used against her very directly, though many people are ignorant about it. She has found it very annoying, but it hasn’t caused her real issues. She says she wishes people knew there isn’t just one option, or way, asexuality can look.  

    “Asexuality is a really broad spectrum,” E. said. “People have different interests.” 

    The biggest impact for her is if a person has expectations, it will turn out badly for them. E. noted that since she doesn’t experience sexual attraction, she is drawn to people by aesthetic attraction. E. is also aromantic, meaning she doesn’t experience romantic attraction either. However, she still wants deep emotional relationships. She is currently in a relationship, and cares for her partner deeply, more than a close friend even. E. wishes people would be more aware of this.  

  • Don’t have sex with your pets… in the room

    Don’t have sex with your pets… in the room

    by Alex Anderson

    Love is in the air and in the bedroom during this time of the year. Enjoy yourselves and rejoice in the shared desire to bump uglies with the one you love, or happened to stumble upon, during Valentines day. The bedroom, living room couch, or steamy vehicle is where it typically happens, but one needs to read the room – or SUV – and contemplate what really needs to be in said room when the romance gets hot. Maybe some candles, speakers, a throw blanket to protect the furniture, but your pet does not make the list. Keep the pets out of the bedroom during the heat of battle. They do not need to fall victim to your bad angles. 

    Pooches, felines, hedgehogs or guinea pigs should not bear witness to your sensual endeavors. Subjecting your pets to such debauchery is not the move in today’s somewhat civilized world. Boundaries need to be set and your pet should be aware of those boundaries. Be a good parent and send the fur babies out of the room or to a friend’s house if needed.

    I know that some of you may be in sticky situations where you don’t have the opportunity to send your furry friend out of the bedroom. I do have sympathy for you but I hope you know that the pet knows you’re terrible at sex. I don’t care how bloated your ego is, they know the truth.

    I’m aware that I am spoiled with a one-bedroom apartment and the ability to close doors on curious pets. My partner recently moved into the apartment, bringing all four of her cats and her chihuahua that sleeps over occasionally. These animals, plus my glorious cat named Tibbles, brought the total to five cats and one shit-eating chihuahua. I love them all, which is why I now try to protect their sanity. 

    I used to be a degenerate, not caring what these animals witnessed, but several instances have forced me to reverse my opinion. I am not proud of it. Trust me. The last thing you want is your partner’s chihuahua licking your feet while journeying to the promised land. Or when you regret having the mattress less than a foot off the ground and one of the cats decides it’s a great time to purr in your ear when you’re quite preoccupied. I know this is Humboldt and standards are typically thrown out the steamy window, but there’s a time where lines need to be drawn. 

    You spent money on a nice dinner, watched “The Notebook,” and turned on the Lumberjack’s pleasure playlist to lay the framework of a beautiful sexual experience. Then, your partner’s blind cat yearns for help after getting stuck at the top of the cat tree in the middle of your romantic exploration. I can only laugh during these moments, but damn I feel bad for the little critters. They definitely did not sign up for this sort of weird connection to their owners and they most definitely talk shit behind your back.

  • Jasmin’s Corner; nothing is scarier than being stuck

    Jasmin’s Corner; nothing is scarier than being stuck

    by Jasmin Shirazian

    Hi Jasmin,

    I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly 2 years now. I’ve known for a long while that we aren’t compatible as people, but we still have fun together. He’s just not emotionally mature, and lacks sincerity. We don’t ever really have substantial conversation – most of the time we spend just rotting together. I love his friend group though and things aren’t all bad. I just don’t want to lose everything I’ve built with him. I’m also so scared of how painful the breakup would be, ruining my semester and making it so hard to do the things I need and want to do. I am at a point where I feel stuck and have no clue what to do. Please help!

    Stuck is exactly where you need to be sometimes to realize you have to force some change in your life. No one wants to feel stuck – but no one’s gonna save you from it, either. 

    Two years is a pretty long time to get to know someone. What I think you should ask yourself is, would you still date the person you’re with if you knew everything you knew now? Would you still date them as they are? Or, are you dating this person with the intention of changing them? 

    We often find ourselves fixing things into the ways we want them to be, and unfortunately, people just aren’t like that. If they aren’t willing to put the work in to change for themselves, they aren’t going to put the work in to change for you – and they shouldn’t. You should date someone you feel is on your level and they should date someone who accepts them as they are. 

    Of course, you can grow together, but sometimes one person grows faster than the other. It’s okay to outgrow people, but we have to be willing to accept the consequences of letting them go. 

    Being alone is scary, and the Humboldt dating pool is even scarier. To me, however, nothing is scarier than being stuck. 

    In your comfortability, you’re losing time and opportunity. Your relationship isn’t a death sentence unless you let it be; you can find someone new to build with, you can make new friends and you can feel good.  Yes, you’re somewhat comfortable now, but imagine how happy you could be.

    Be honest, do you really see yourself marrying this person? If they proposed to you tomorrow, would you be excited? It doesn’t seem like it. 

    Free yourself of your love-made shackles, let yourself be uncomfortable and find yourself within your pain. 

    xoxo, 

    Jasmin

  • Jasmin Corner; leave your situationship

    Jasmin Corner; leave your situationship

    By Jasmin Shirazian

    Hi Jasmin, 

    Can I be in love with someone I’m not dating? This situationship has got me fucked up.

    How do I answer this without coming off like a complete bitch? Your situationship is not real. That’s not to say your feelings aren’t real, or that the love doesn’t exist – but a situationship is not a real thing. The creation of the label “situationship” has opened the doors for this generation to participate in an unwinnable battle: The IDGAF wars. I like you, so let’s find out which one of us can care the least to keep the other person interested without fully committing? 

    What is a situationship? To me, it’s one person caring more than the other. One person giving more than the other. One person receiving more than the other — you get it. A situationship will never fulfill you in the ways you’re looking for. Rather, this infatuation will leave you feeling more hollow. One person will always have more power than the other. 

    That’s not to say I don’t understand where you’re coming from; you caught feelings for the wrong person. It happens to the best of us. At the core of it, we are all just creatures looking for love, security, comfort, happiness; we want to feel desired and safe. There is no safety in a situationship. In fact, more often than not, they all have a three month shelf life. Seriously, name one situationship where things stayed good after that three month mark — if that existed, it would evolve into a relationship. 

    “We accept the love we think we deserve.”

    Everyone, their mother and their mother’s single best friend knows this phrase. It’s true though! We often don’t love ourselves enough to believe we deserve better, and so we stay in the situation(ships) we know because it’s the space we’ve decided to fill. You deserve to take up space with someone who will appreciate how you light up the room. 

    xoxo, 

    Jasmin