by Alana Hackman
Imagine this: you’re in your dorm room getting ready for a night out with friends with the cheap vodka your one friend with a fake ID supplied, and nothing but pure 18-year-old confidence. Adrenaline is pumping as you sashay around your roommates makeup bag strewn about your shared bedroom floor, careful to avoid speaking to them as they apply their liquid eyeliner. All of a sudden, your phone that was blasting some 2014 alternative indie throwback is buzzing. The music stops and everyone turns to you, wondering if your DJ rights should be revoked. You scramble to your smartphone, and as you flip it, over there lies an incoming Facetime call from your long-distance boyfriend. Pink heart emojis act as bookends to his contact name as you look at yourself on the screen and contemplate answering this call.
“Oh, it’s (some boring hometown man’s name),” you say to your friends.
They know the weight that generic name holds in that dorm household. It’s 9 p.m. and they already called a cab, which should be there in about two minutes. You look at your phone as it vibrates in your hand, you look at the flock of young girls on your bed giving you the look – you know the one. The bordering Kubrick stare and eyes of disappointment, non-verbally asking, “Are you really gonna answer it right now?” You gaze back at your phone and quickly say “I have to take this,” as you disconnect from the bluetooth speaker and rush out into the dank hallway of your shared living space, hoping to god your name isn’t part of the conversation that’s happening behind the door you just slammed.
I, too, was a victim of the unplanned long-distance boyfriend call. From my freshman year of college to my junior year, I was enraptured in my long-distance relationship. I wouldn’t say it was all bad but I will say it just took way too much energy in the long run. I was fresh out of highschool and still carrying the weight of my highschool boyfriend around. I spent nights having sleepovers over Facetime, or watching some movie that we had to perfectly time to sync over the phone. Long-distance relationships can truly show you love someone, but when does it reach the point of total time consumption?
It was fun in the beginning, when you were excited for each other and the different paths you took, but long-distance success is based on clear communication, and sometimes that isn’t even enough to hold the relationship together. When college and life in your new town away from your partner picks up, lots of factors come into play; jealousy, accessibility, and just the plain old feelings of missing each other.
When your time gets so constrained to the point of only being able to call your partner in your LDR (long-distance relationship) once a week, it can really throw an axe into your dynamic. Even if it’s clearly communicated and you’re transparent with your busy schedules, it can feel hard for your LDR partner to not feel neglected or forgotten about. They aren’t with you – they aren’t seeing your day to day schedule, and when you have to pencil in time to call them and try to keep their attention as you talk to them about your mind numbing statistics lecture, the spark can easily fizzle out.
You can try and keep it alive by doing movie nights for each other or sending care packages, but at the end of the day, it’s hard to feel truly loved and cherished when you’re six hours away from each other and not sure when you’ll see eachother again.
Honestly, I don’t think any 18-20-year-old has the emotional or physical capacity to do that either. These are such developmental ages, and trying to entertain an LDR partner in between it all can feel like a maze of confusion and a tow truck of effort. I’m not saying dump your LDR because it’s gonna ruin your social life. I don’t think I missed out much when I was in my LDR as a baby-faced college freshman, but I will say it caused some baggage in the long run.
Long-distance relationships seem to only be a blanket to hold on to the inevitable factor that you will break up; holding on to the very end until you have to throw in the towel. It usually isn’t pretty, and is the reason why most LDRs end over the phone or text with little-to-no closure at all. That’s gonna cause more pain in the end than just parting ways after highschool for the purpose of doing it for each other’s own benefit. Breakups are never easy, but it can give you a lot more peace of mind. You did it for your partner’s and your own self-preservation.
I can’t speak much on the mid-20s LDRs, but I’d have to say it’s the same. Open communication just isn’t possible without at least some weekly face-to-face conversations. Interaction in the digital world can feel awkward, less genuine and allows more time for feelings of neglect and loneliness to build up. Long distance has its expiration date; I can only see it as a temporary thing of a year max. Anything past that is just a waste of time.
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