Photo by Dobby Morse

How Not To Be Bitten By A Kitten

Translate

Please prepare to be prey

Congratulations, a baby feline has recently come into your life. If they’re anywhere from 2-18 months, they bite. They see you as prey. Because you are prey. You always have been. You always will be. Yet, you are also their servant and being bitten can interfere with your duties. After a lifetime of servitude, I have learnt to minimize these attacks and I am willing to divulge my secrets to you.

Squeak: I have no idea how to do this, but according to the internet, it works.Tell them that you are hurt by their actions. Cry loudly in a high-pitched voice. Leave them in your room while you go over to your neighbors’ yard and let their cat rub your legs. Go back home and shower in shame.

Diversions: If you have an old scarf, tie or ribbon lying around, wave it to your kitty. Move in a jerky pattern but stay in the same spot. This will attract their attention and give them a location to pounce. You can also get toys on a string attached to a stick, but they’re easily chewed through. The ferrets are nice and sturdy, but might not always appeal to your kitty aesthetically. Ask your overlord what their favorite color is. Cats can see shades of blue, grey and green, and perceive some other colors as purple.

Wear armor: Thick socks, hoodies and blankets will soften the blows, especially when warm from the dryer. When armored, wiggle your toes until they pounce. Now you are free to perform your duties with your supreme royal attached to your feet.

Play dead: Do not try this on a dog, but it seems to work well with cats. Let your limbs go limp and hide under the covers. Ensure that there are no gaps their majesty can squeeze into and wait until they settle on top of you and fall asleep. If for some tragic reason you are not in bed, hide your arms behind your back. Depending on their mood, this comes with the risk of getting your face pounced on. If you sense this is about to happen, make a sudden, full body move. This will startle them long enough for you to grab the nearest toy and throw it far away.

When all else fails, resign yourself to a life of being the cat’s quarry. You are a chew toy and you will get chewed on. You chose this, because you know that life without an apex predator in it is not a life worth living.

Share This Post

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on email
Share on reddit

More Stories

Photo by Abraham Navarro | Cowboy Daddy's Drummer and Keyboard player Conner West, 25, and guitarist Skye Freitas, 24, jam out at the Gutswurrak Student Activity Center on April 28.

Local bands rock the Gutswurrak

by Ione Dellos Band members wait in front of the bathrooms, eyes anxiously fluttering from the stage to the growing audience in the Gutswurrak Student Activities Center. After the deepest sigh one could possibly take, they make their way to

Travis Allen pole vaults at the Green and Gold Track Event on Feb. 12 Photo by Morgan Hancock.

Athlete’s outperform at decathlon

by Carlos Pedraza The Cal Poly Humboldt Track and Field team participated in the Stanislaus State Multi-Event from Thursday April 7 to Saturday April 9. The team participated in over 10 different events, all of which were multi-day involving different

Photo by Morgan Hancock | Izzy Star hits a home run in final softball game of the season at the Bear River Recreation Center in Loleta, California on Saturday, April 30.

Cal Poly Humboldt plays its last softball game of the series

by Eddie Carpenter On April 30, Cal Poly Humboldt Softball played the last two games of their series against Cal State San Marcos. Due to weather conditions, the softball games had to be relocated to the Bear River Recreation Center

Be First to Comment

Leave a Reply