Photo by Dobby Morse

How Not To Be Bitten By A Kitten

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Please prepare to be prey

Congratulations, a baby feline has recently come into your life. If they’re anywhere from 2-18 months, they bite. They see you as prey. Because you are prey. You always have been. You always will be. Yet, you are also their servant and being bitten can interfere with your duties. After a lifetime of servitude, I have learnt to minimize these attacks and I am willing to divulge my secrets to you.

Squeak: I have no idea how to do this, but according to the internet, it works.Tell them that you are hurt by their actions. Cry loudly in a high-pitched voice. Leave them in your room while you go over to your neighbors’ yard and let their cat rub your legs. Go back home and shower in shame.

Diversions: If you have an old scarf, tie or ribbon lying around, wave it to your kitty. Move in a jerky pattern but stay in the same spot. This will attract their attention and give them a location to pounce. You can also get toys on a string attached to a stick, but they’re easily chewed through. The ferrets are nice and sturdy, but might not always appeal to your kitty aesthetically. Ask your overlord what their favorite color is. Cats can see shades of blue, grey and green, and perceive some other colors as purple.

Wear armor: Thick socks, hoodies and blankets will soften the blows, especially when warm from the dryer. When armored, wiggle your toes until they pounce. Now you are free to perform your duties with your supreme royal attached to your feet.

Play dead: Do not try this on a dog, but it seems to work well with cats. Let your limbs go limp and hide under the covers. Ensure that there are no gaps their majesty can squeeze into and wait until they settle on top of you and fall asleep. If for some tragic reason you are not in bed, hide your arms behind your back. Depending on their mood, this comes with the risk of getting your face pounced on. If you sense this is about to happen, make a sudden, full body move. This will startle them long enough for you to grab the nearest toy and throw it far away.

When all else fails, resign yourself to a life of being the cat’s quarry. You are a chew toy and you will get chewed on. You chose this, because you know that life without an apex predator in it is not a life worth living.

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