Horoscopes except it’s the type of milk you drink

OAT – If you drink oat milk, you probably have a Costco membership just to buy the bulk boxes of Kirkland brand cartons that don’t last nearly as long as they should. You might be a psych major holding a vape right now, and if you aren’t – you’ve thought about it. 

SOY – Are you someone who doesn’t eat meat? You might be a soy milk drinker. It’s time to take that much needed social media break and maybe pick up that book that’s been collecting dust on your bedside table. Extra points if the book is anything other than fantasy. 

WHOLE – In a world of 100 different types of milk, with a new milk type trending every day, it can be hard to stick to your roots. Whether you’re only drinking whole milk in your coffee or by the glass, you’re proud to be an American. 

GOATS – You grew up shopping at the local health food store and it shows. If you drink goat milk, you were probably homeschooled but turned out pretty okay. When you pull up to the picnic, you’re definitely bringing the Humboldt Fog, and we thank you for it. 

HEMP – A cannabis studies major, obviously. Hemp milk drinkers prefer chai over coffee and will engage in long form conversation about plant medicine. Long hikes in the woods are fun, and the mushrooms are fruitful, but it might be time to consider making some friends to join you.

MACADAMIA – As a macadamia milk drinker, you’re either an art major who spends way too much money at your local coffee shop, or you just had macadamia milk for the first time because they were out of hemp milk. I’ll see you later at the open mic. 

LACTOSE FREE – You’re a freak! Or lactose intolerant. Either way, you’re getting freaky in the bedroom. Lactose free milk drinkers are extremely well hydrated, and pretty buff considering the size of the hydroflask they’re always lugging around. How does it feel spending your paychecks on Lactaid?

ALMOND – you’re the kind of person who takes 20-minute showers and leaves the water on while you’re brushing your teeth. Humboldt is the dream for you because you’ve been on travel influencer TikTok since you were 15. We’ve already seen that picture of your hiking boots hanging off Strawberry Rock, no need to post it every sunny weekend. 

COCONUT – If you’re sitting in your dorm room still grieving the fact the only coastal town college you got into was Humboldt… you might be a coconut milk drinker. You had to buy your first warm jacket six months ago, and your surfboard doesn’t get used nearly as much as it used to. It’s okay though, you’ve got your outdoor recreation class to keep you busy.