by Kianna Znika
“I really need to get my shit together. This is getting my shit together, though.” – my last journal entry
Is a person just the things that they do? I really hope not, because lately I feel like being busy is my only personality trait.
I miss the things I never have time for anymore; the walks in the forest, the intentional journaling and spellwork time, the acoustic guitar I haven’t touched in weeks. If it weren’t for the fact that I’m in music classes and a local punk band, not even I would know that I’m a musician, or that I once wrote songs and created art that inspired me to come to Humboldt in the first place.
I miss feeling fun and interesting. I miss not being so stressed and overworked all the time. I miss having more free time to spend with friends. I constantly worry about how I’m perceived by them: do they only get to see me as this constantly-busy, burnt-out person now? Do they even like me anymore? I have to remind myself not to think about that last question too much – it’ll only make things worse.
In moments like this, it’s usually good to look at the big picture. One day, all this hard work will be worth it. I’d like to argue that going to college is significantly harder than working in your desired career field, because at least at work you’re focused on one thing and there’s an opportunity to “clock out.” When going to school, you’re juggling multiple classes, extracurriculars and jobs. Doing everything you can in the hopes that you’ll one day land that dream job that opens up the next chapter of your life where you can plop down in a home of your own, let out a sigh of relief and say, “I made it.” You’ll have finally made it. Taking 8 classes a semester while working and managing extracurricular activities will have all been worth it.
Right? I really need that to be true.
I’m holding on to the aspirations and hope that a past version of myself had, the one who was filled with so much excitement and motivation. She planned out the last two years of our undergraduate career, saying you’re going to do this, this and that, and it’ll all be worth it.
I want to say that I’m doing this all for her. It’s easy to say that when looking at the big picture, the eagle-eye view of my life. But right now, I’m living in the reality of those aspirations and I don’t feel like I’m that person anymore. Maybe losing myself to my work and studies is a necessary part of the process, but it makes me sad. Should losing yourself be a necessary part of anything?
And who am I now? Am I just the things that I’m constantly busy with? I really hope not.