Everything comes at a price. My newfound sanity came with an extra 65 pounds.

by Savana Robinson

Last year, after a bout of psychosis and mania, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar I. I was given a little blue pill called Abilify. Abilify (aripiprazole) is an antipsychotic/mood stabilizer that kept me on my rocker for a few months until my body started changing. I was prescribed Abilify in March 2023 when I weighed about 130 pounds. By May, I was 160. I went to my psychiatrist and he put me on Vraylar (cariprazine) which is a weight-neutral drug, meaning it should have stopped the weight gain. It didn’t. My general mental health was starting to decline, but at least I wasn’t convinced that everyone was out to kill me. I was probably overeating to some extent, but not enough to gain another 30 pounds. Yet around Nov., I hit 195. The drugs had wreaked havoc on my body and I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I had started an antidepressant, Wellbutrin (bupropion) back in the summer and it slowly started to help me accept my body and not mope about it all the time.

I decided to start Weight Watchers (WW) on Christmas Day. It was the best decision I’ve made in a while. It’s been almost a month and I’ve lost six pounds! I’d been tracking calories for seven months with no results, but doing WW, which factors in grams of fat, protein, carbs and more, I’m taking a more holistic approach to weight loss. It’s also like a game; I get daily and weekly points to spend on food and I have to budget my points like they’re money. I went from constantly planning what I was going to eat to only thinking about it right before eating.

Even though my body is different than it was before my life-changing diagnosis, I’m still the happy person I was before. I wouldn’t say I’m the same; I’m stronger. I’m more resilient. I am grateful for my body and my opportunity to live this life in this world.

No matter what you look like, if you’re happy, then you’re perfect. It took me a while to love myself even when I thought I didn’t deserve to. Now, as Billie Eilish said, ‘I’m happier than ever. I’m no longer trying to be someone else.’ I’m just being Savana Motherfucking Robinson.