The reality of ‘going through it’ during a time of a pandemic
Being trapped in your house with your mind feels like the worst thing possible, but right now is the time to allow yourself to heal. It is more than okay to not be okay, all the time and even more so now. Although we wish this was just a vacation for us to sit around and do nothing, sometimes sitting around and doing nothing makes us feel out of control. It feels like we have lost whatever stability we had before.
We have been in quarantine for over a month now and things were not going too bad. Well, that’s what I thought until I was left alone with my mind and as a result, my anxiety started acting up. Since quarantine started I have gone back to Humboldt to pack up my stuff and move back to my hometown. I made a long-distance relationship plan with my partner only for us to break up less than a week later. I came back to a house where I do not have my own space since I share a room with my teenage sister. Everyone is always in everyone’s business. There’s just no privacy and rules to follow. Plus, dealing with family stuff has really taken a toll on half of the household.
I will always be grateful for the love I had and for the good times.
Everything was happening all at once, I felt as if I wasn’t getting a chance to catch my breath. With the quarantine, it’s not like I could get out of the house or go out with my friends to talk things out or distract my mind. Not to mention, in Southern California you can only go outside for so long before the heat is suffocating you and you’re dripping in sweat. With all that being said, I would rather be dealing and healing with all of this right now, where I’m forced to sit in my home and deal with my thoughts.
I cried for three days straight after my breakup and still find myself tearing up from time-to-time, even as I write this. However after eating all the ice cream I wanted and receiving some tough love from my loved ones, I decided that my world was not going to end just because a relationship did. I will always be grateful for the love I had and for the good times.
As far as dealing with the family drama, all I can really do is take myself out of it. I make some tea and go outside for as long as I can. My sister and I lock ourselves in our room. I FaceTime my friends at least once a day just to have contact with people that live outside the house. For a while, I let my family pull me into each of their own drama, when it really didn’t have anything to do with me since I just got here. I was taking on their issues as if they were my own and they weren’t. Of course, I will always be there for my family, but I have my own things going on and my own healing to do. My responsibilities right now are my school work and taking care of myself. I mean we’re still in school even though it doesn’t feel like it. That degree is the only thing I have my eyes on right now.
If I was still going to work and face-to-face classes, I would have so many distractions that I would forget what was going on or I was feeling some type of way. This might be ideal for some people but in my experience if I do not deal with or acknowledge my feelings, it builds up. The end result is much worse than what would have happened if I just took the time to heal right then and there. Now, of course, I would love to go get drunk with friends and forget about real life for a second, but we can’t because of quarantine. However, when you’re not drunk or hungover anymore your problems will most likely still be there so you will have to deal with them eventually. This quarantine has allowed me to deal with everything at once which has been hard, but it is reassuring knowing that once we are allowed to roam freely, I’ll have my mental and emotional shit together.
Take the time to focus on your well-being. We will be let out again someday. Also, rest assured that you are not the only one. We would all rather not deal with our feelings alongside a pandemic, but it happens and that’s okay.
