Be open and honest for better dating

by Kianna Znika

We live in a time where most of us are liberated and independent enough to know that dating isn’t a necessity; we’ve done the work to be okay on our own. We pour love into ourselves, additionally surrounding ourselves with the healing, platonic love from our friends and family. 

When I first started celebrating my independence as a single person, I had a couple of realizations. First was that I genuinely loved who I was and the life I was creating for myself. I couldn’t believe there was ever a time when I’d justify unsatisfying connections, convincing myself that kindness should compensate for a lack of genuine interest. I’d cling to situations that left me miserable, telling myself excuses like, “Well, they’re kind of nice to me, so it’s okay,” or “Maybe I’m just being shallow.”

I was chipping away at my self-worth and esteem by invalidating my true wants and needs, accepting less than satisfactory situations when I knew, deep down, that my heart wanted more.

Being brutally honest with oneself is a mantra I now live by. It’s the compass that guided me to the other realization — I am, at my core, a romantic soul yearning for genuine connection and love.

Now, I’m not saying that this is something I need in my life; rather, it was a beautiful change in mindset towards dating. I will flow through my life and open my heart to love, but I will only involve myself in connections that match my own wants and needs.

“I don’t need to be with someone. So if I am going to be with someone, it’ll be because it’s my dream scenario,” is what I told myself.

And, although this isn’t the one-step cure to dating – I definitely still found myself in dissatisfying situations along the way – I am so grateful that I stayed true to what I wanted because I can now confidently say that I found that dream scenario. I am happily in a relationship with someone who aligns with my aspirations and supports my joy and independence.

Now, imagine if I hadn’t been honest along the way?

While I’m proud of the normalization of polyamory, I’ve witnessed some people force themselves into it when all they really want, deep down, is to focus on one romantic partner. Let’s keep celebrating all personal loving and dating styles, embracing the beauty of individual preferences. If you want monogamy, own it. It’s okay. Be honest and you’ll attract someone who wants to be monogamous with you, too.

I hear people say they’re not looking for something serious, while continuously doing and saying things that prove to me that what they really want is a relationship. I believe they do this in order to “be chill” and protect themselves. It seems like everyone in the dating scene right now isn’t looking for anything serious. But, what if some people are only saying that because everyone else is?

I’m grateful that I was honest with myself about the type of dating experience I wanted. I was unapologetically upfront about wanting a genuine relationship, even on the first date. Crazy? No, just emotionally available and confident.

So, don’t settle. If you want a certain type of dating experience, odds are someone else out there wants the same thing. They exist, just like you do. Remember: dating isn’t a necessity, so might as well make it exactly what you want and deserve. Your dream scenario is not only possible; it’s worth it.