by Alex Anderson
Love is in the air and in the bedroom during this time of the year. Enjoy yourselves and rejoice in the shared desire to bump uglies with the one you love, or happened to stumble upon, during Valentines day. The bedroom, living room couch, or steamy vehicle is where it typically happens, but one needs to read the room – or SUV – and contemplate what really needs to be in said room when the romance gets hot. Maybe some candles, speakers, a throw blanket to protect the furniture, but your pet does not make the list. Keep the pets out of the bedroom during the heat of battle. They do not need to fall victim to your bad angles.
Pooches, felines, hedgehogs or guinea pigs should not bear witness to your sensual endeavors. Subjecting your pets to such debauchery is not the move in today’s somewhat civilized world. Boundaries need to be set and your pet should be aware of those boundaries. Be a good parent and send the fur babies out of the room or to a friend’s house if needed.
I know that some of you may be in sticky situations where you don’t have the opportunity to send your furry friend out of the bedroom. I do have sympathy for you but I hope you know that the pet knows you’re terrible at sex. I don’t care how bloated your ego is, they know the truth.
I’m aware that I am spoiled with a one-bedroom apartment and the ability to close doors on curious pets. My partner recently moved into the apartment, bringing all four of her cats and her chihuahua that sleeps over occasionally. These animals, plus my glorious cat named Tibbles, brought the total to five cats and one shit-eating chihuahua. I love them all, which is why I now try to protect their sanity.
I used to be a degenerate, not caring what these animals witnessed, but several instances have forced me to reverse my opinion. I am not proud of it. Trust me. The last thing you want is your partner’s chihuahua licking your feet while journeying to the promised land. Or when you regret having the mattress less than a foot off the ground and one of the cats decides it’s a great time to purr in your ear when you’re quite preoccupied. I know this is Humboldt and standards are typically thrown out the steamy window, but there’s a time where lines need to be drawn.
You spent money on a nice dinner, watched “The Notebook,” and turned on the Lumberjack’s pleasure playlist to lay the framework of a beautiful sexual experience. Then, your partner’s blind cat yearns for help after getting stuck at the top of the cat tree in the middle of your romantic exploration. I can only laugh during these moments, but damn I feel bad for the little critters. They definitely did not sign up for this sort of weird connection to their owners and they most definitely talk shit behind your back.
Be First to Comment