Photo illustration by Freddy Brewster

Blotter bytes

Weekly police blotter updates and the rolling count
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The Rolling Count:

Alright, alright, this week had some activity! No one was charged—which is dope. However, some folks got in trouble…metaphorically speaking. Or maybe not; the report is ambiguous. Hemlock, Alder, Tan Oak and even the parking lot at Forbes Gym all saw some action.

Possession charges = 4

Contraband/paraphernalia seizures = 2

Monday Feb. 11

· Mental health awareness—The past week had a number of welfare checks, which are enacted if someone is concerned about another’s wellbeing. With that said, if you are experiencing a tough time and need someone to talk to, you can access counseling and other mental health services at the Student Health Center. Check out their website.

· Good guy alert—Someone got an escort to their vehicle late at night from UPD. Give a cop a high-five next time you see one!

· Three Butt dials!—UPD was called three times with no one answering from the other end. Guys, airplane mode is a thing. So is not calling 911 on accident. Come on, you’re better than that.

· A problem worth addressing—Someone was warned for camping on HSU property near the Kinesiology and Athletics buildings. Those in power need to help our more vulnerable counterparts…not everyone has the luxury of a home.

Tuesday Feb. 12

· Art Heist—It looks like we have an art burglar in the Pepperwood Residence Hall. Stealing art in the movies looks cool, but in real life it’s not. So, don’t do it. M’kay?

· Petty Theft x2—A backpack and other items were stolen from the Kinesiology building. Please don’t steal.

· Smokin’ in the boys’ room—Drug activity at Hemlock Residence Hall! Two people were caught with marijuana. They only received an “incident memo,” so that’s cool.

Wednesday Feb. 13

· Buzzkill—“A campus parking officer found three rolled marijuana joints on the ground and turned them in for destruction.” Destruction? I bet the guy in the evidence room smoked them.

· Good guy alert—UPD helped someone get into a locked car. Now, that’s pretty cool.

· Let’s Mötley Crüe this place—Someone punched a whole bunch of holes in their walls in Laurel Residence Hall. Don’t worry though, “he is code four, negative crime.” Whatever that means.

· Buzzkill part deux—“Housing out with a resident in the kitchen in possession of marijuana.” The wording of that sentence sounds like a bad Bob Dylan song.

· Stop! (in the name of love) x4—The cops were on a mission this day. Four people were stopped for blowing through stop signs on a bike. Bikers, ya gotta stop. Sometimes it’s in the name of love. Other times it’s in the name of the law.

Thursday Feb. 14

· Good guy alert x3—UPD helped with a jumpstart, locked car doors and a late-night escort…on valentine’s day. Aren’t they sweethearts?

· Trespass—A “transient female has been in the restroom for at least 30 minutes.” It breaks my heart that our homeless counterparts routinely have the police called on them for pejorative actions. The woman was warned about her “recent trespass.” On public property…

· Smokin’ ciggies—“Several subjects [were] smoking in the stairwell area” at the Hagopian House. Although UPD didn’t see them smoking, they admitted to it…amateurs.

Friday Feb. 15

· “Making a scene”—Someone refused to take their backpack off when entering the College Creek Marketplace and threw a fit. Not gonna lie, this backpack policy is the stupidest effing policy on campus. Those who enacted it assume that students are thieves. A former LJ editorial team wrote a piece about this and the ridiculous prices.

Saturday Feb. 16

· Momma’s boy—A Lyft driver called someone’s mom after he left his cell phone in the car. Like a good mother, she called the police to check in on the situation. The phone was returned and the owner was “advised to contact his mother.” Aww, that’s sweet.

· Fallen soldier—An RA in the Alder Residence Hall seized someone’s pipe and turned it into UPD. Now I’m not one to glorify military stuff, but let’s salute this fallen soldier. Cue “Taps.”

Sunday Feb. 17

· Someone barfed—“Someone vomited in the Fieldhouse and the game is unable to resume until it is cleaned up…” Oh man, that is something there, imagine the smell. Seriously think about…taste it… smell it….Okay see ya next week!

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