Everyone may not understand the value of a pet, especially that of animals other than cats and dogs. Creatures such as fish are often treated as a decoration rather than a living being that deserves care and attention. While the average person may not dare to ask for your dog’s collar and bowl within a week of your loss, many would see nothing wrong with requesting a fish tank or terrarium whose occupant is no longer with you. This sort of societal apathy towards the lives of animals is part of what makes the loss of a pet so painful. Not only have you lost something that you loved and that loved you unconditionally, but with so few that understand, your options for support are limited. Even on pet loss forums, discussing the loss of a more unusual animal can and will get you hateful messages about how you should be thankful it wasn’t a dog.
My pet frog Fitzwilliam passed away recently. He’d become lethargic and started eating less, and before I could bring him in to the only vet in the county that even treated amphibians, he was gone. I spent that day unable to move from my couch, barely able to eat or speak.
I find it difficult to express my grief in writing. I loved that little guy. He was a baby, my baby, and now he’s gone. Of course I blamed myself. That’s part of the bargaining phase, right? Maybe if I’d been able to act quicker, I could have found him another vet. Maybe if I’d been more meticulous in cleaning his tank, he would never have gotten sick in the first place. Maybe if I had been better, I don’t know how, but if I’d just been better, he would still be here. He was only about six months old, just a baby. He should have had at least a decade ahead of him. Why couldn’t I give him that?
I had no one to talk to. Less than a day after losing him, people suggested simply getting a new frog as if he was an object to be replaced. For some people, moving on with a new pet might be best, but I couldn’t do it. I broke down in tears just seeing a stuffed frog in a store. I couldn’t handle having something that looked like him, sounded like him, but wasn’t him. It would be unfair to expect another animal to live up to him when the pain is still so fresh.
The truth is, I have been through a lot this summer, and in his own way, Fitz was there for me through everything. When I was feeling down, he was content to hop onto my hand and sit with me for as long as I needed. When I needed something to do, he had plants to mist and a water dish to refill. When I needed a distraction, he was there, perched on his favorite branch and ready to be admired. Even when I put on sad music, he would croak along to it. His favorite band was The Mountain Goats.
I am certain that many readers will see this as the ramblings of an overly emotional person with unhealthy attachments. Maybe they’re right, and they can go right back to drafting a letter to the editor about how I don’t understand real pain and other people have things so much worse than I do so I should just shut up. I just want you to know, he mattered to me.
9 Comments
I have had many frogs and lost many frogs. And its hard because they were my friends. Vets can help but sometimes they can’t. Taking responsibility for a frog is a hard thing to do for an inexperienced frog/toad keeper but there is lots of information out there to help. And experience is invaluable. I know you can’t help feeling sad and wishing you could have done something to prevent the loss of your frog, but know on some level he appreciated the care you gave him and the home you provided. If you enjoyed your frog so much, honoring him would be to bring another frog home. Frogs are a wonderful way to see nature up close and personal.
I just lost my pacman frog, Glenn, this morning. I’d only had him a little over a month and he was my first frog. I feel the same, that if I’d been more careful, not bugged him as much, finally tracked down a proper vet sooner.
It seems to me like you cared for your frog well. I like how you said they’d sit in your hand. I hope you feel better soon.
I know exactly how you feel. I recently lost my frog and I have been sad ever since. He had found me and we have been through Covid together since it started. I keep blaming myself because I got moss for him and I thought he would like it. I never thought it would harm him. I believe it impacted him because shortly after he became ill. He was always there for me and would come to see me if I called for him. The days of covid were long and hurtful for everyone but he was the light I had during a very sad time, I am finding it hard to forgive myself for getting the moss and also don’t want to ever replace him because there is not a replacement for his daily companionship and devotion. So do not feel that you are alone I know exactly how you are feeling.
I am actually comforted to know there is other people in the world that are hurt and devastated when something so small but so meaningful in our daily life leaves us.
I just lost my pacman frog 2 hours ago I had him for a few years and he was my best friend, he had the rest of his life ahead of him. It’s comforting to know others have felt the same about their babies. Thank you for helping me not feel so lost an alone
I am so sorry for your loss, i just loss my Pac-Man frog, Megalodon. He ment so much to me. I don’t think you had a unhealthy relationship. I feel the same way you did about my frog. It is good to know someone feels this way though. I hope you feel better soon.
I’ve been mourning my frogs since they died, one last year, and a 3 month old today. Its tough but I know I have to be strong for my other frogs, and let them know I’m ok. I hope you feel better and your forg will meet with millions of others in the sky and croak together, or scream like rain frogs.
Lost my baby pac-man frog just two days ago and haven’t been able to stop crying. It was so unexpected I didn’t even get to say goodbye. He was completely happy and healthy when I saw him last. He was only about a year old and had so much more life to live. I wish I could’ve been there when he was struggling. Your article makes me feel seen, everyone I’ve talked to doesn’t understand that this wasn’t just some object to be replaced he was my pet and I have an emotional attachment to him. I wanted to watch him grow up and now he’s just so unexpectedly gone.
I just want to let you know that I found a lot of comfort in your entry. My son has a pet frog that we’ve all been able to enjoy the last 4 1/2 years. He too, had started eating less and less, and was getting more lethargic over the last month or so. Finally took him to the closest exotic vet yesterday, and he seemed to be doing better, but he died while I was giving him one of his mineral baths prescribed by the vet while my son was at school. I feel horrible and guilty and wonder over and over how I could have done things differently. I didn’t recognize that as bargaining, but you helped me see that, and that makes me feel a little less crazy, that I am just going through the stages of grief for our little froggy friend.
Thank you for this post, it’s exactly what I needed to read. Our tree frog passed away yesterday due to dehydration and I am responsible for it (I’m quite certain), because I did not notice their water had dried up these past few days. (Their mom, who is traveling, would not have made this mistake.) They have been so happy and resilient all year, I forgot how much they rely on water to survive. Needless to say, I am devastated and find it difficult to think about or focus on anything else, just as you described. I think the level of grief you feel is proportional to how responsible you feel for the death; that should be the measure of the gravity of your feelings, not the size or “relevance/importance” of the animal involved. And while I know I have to move past this stage, with countless articles and resources detailing how, I find what transpired to be unpardonable, and so expect it to leave an indelible mark on my life. Perhaps all losses leave such a mark; these marks remind you of the life that passed and in some sense honor them, but I also find them to be a constant drain on your happiness and mental health. If I could erase them fully, like a file from a harddisk, would I do it? Therein lies the rub — I wouldn’t, even if you told me I could retain the lessons learned for tree frog care. I adored him — and more importantly, my wife loved him like a son — so I feel the need to honor his memory by not forgetting. What a double-edged sword love is.